My sister is my BFF.  When funny shit happens to either one of us, it is an event!  Follows is a tale of sissy’s woeful encounter with the Dead Sea Salt Devil at the mall yesterday.  (Just for some background, sissy is a divorced mother of one, a smidge over weight, just broke up with a douchebag, in other words- a target for the DEVIL!)

Sissy is walking the mall, on the hunt for the perfect Christmas gifts for my little family of four.  She has rang me a bazillion times asking about sizes, and “what about this”, does the firemand want that, etc…..

Sissy calls for the umpteenth time, “OMG, I just totally got swindled by an Israeli GOD of Beauty!!!”

“What?????? What do you mean?  Who swindled you?  I shall come forth and kick their ASS! No one messes with my sissy”

“Oh girl, I was trotting along on my way to Sears, home of the cheap toys, when I came upon the kiosk of Satan. He was studing me from afar.  I could tell.  I tried not to make eye contact.  I really, really did.  He was just….. Beautiful.”

“Oh sissy, you didn’t………..”

“Yes, Gigi, I did.  He asked my name, and, and , and I TOLD him!”

“Shit!”

“Yes, Gigi.  He took ADVANTAGE OF ME!  He asked where my husband was.  I told him I was divorced.  He said OH NO, you much too beautiful to be alone.  Gigi, by this time I started sweating.  He asked me if I was too hot.  HE TOOK A KLEENEX AND DABBED THE SWEAT OFF MY FOREHEAD!”

“OH NO!!!!!!  It was over then wasn’t it sissy?  How much dead seas salt shit did you buy?”

“I don’t want to tell you………….but, he kissed me on the cheek, too.   Oh GOD, he was beautiful.  I am such a loser………..”

“HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHA!  OMG!   I LOVE YOU!  So, am I getting the dead sea salt scrub for Christmas, sissy?”

“Fuck yes, in the pink gift bag, but I did get some free shit too.  I was swindled by the Sea Salt Devil for $100.”

“Must have been a hell of a kiss, sissy.”

“It was.  I can’t face him again.  I walked all the way through Sears, out around the whole mall just to get back to my car so I wouldn’t have to face him again.  Fucker!”

God, I love her.